Tame your ego

A truly savvy boss will not hire you if you have a big ego. If somehow you got the job, you’ll lose it eventually when your boss wakes up. Because, when your ego is in charge, you suck as an employee, teammate, job seeker, parent, friend, partner, lover or whatever it is you’re doing.

A big ego makes you defend, justify or rationalize when you shouldn’t. It makes you fight, manipulate or hide from challenges. It makes you arrogant and erratic. It prevents you from hearing and recognizing the truth — and from learning.

37 different symbols for the word 'jerk'Bosses have been on the lookout for bad behavior ever since a Stanford professor wrote a popular essay for Harvard business review about The No Asshole Rule and followed it up with a book on the same topic. Other bosses set the bar higher with ‘the hallway test‘. We ask ourselves “Will I enjoy bumping into this person in the hallway or want to pretend I’m too busy to chat?”

A wise boss will know a big ego is a symptom of low self-esteem – that your real issue is fear. Fear that you will be discovered to be weak, incompetent, unlikable, unreliable or anything else you were taught as a child. But, your parents are only partly to blame. They may have planted the seeds long ago, but it’s negative self-talk that perpetuates fear.

Taming your ego is difficult to do, but it can be done. You can start by talking to yourself in healthy ways – calming, supportive and loving ways (also called affirmations).  You can tell yourself things like:

  • I do my best and that’s good enough
  • I have what I need and I’m okay
  • I can handle this, I’ll figure it out
  • I accept what I can’t control and accept things as they are alreadywhich coworker would you like to fire?
  • I’ve always benefited from overcoming a challenge
  • I’ll learn something valuable from this
  • I love myself and take good care of myself
  • I’m proud of myself for _________

Sound corny? So be it! I’ll take corny any day over negative self talk like this:

  • I’m such an idiot
  • he’s such an idiot
  • this is horrible, I can’t cope
  • I always screw up
  • I can’t believe this is happening to me
  • people don’t like me
  • I’ll never get better
  • I never get things right
  • I’m not bright enough

Talk like that and you sow the seeds of your eventual destruction (or just a dysfunctional life and career). So next time you hear one of those, tell yourself “STOP”, picture a big red stop sign, and replace with something healthy and nurturing. Be good to yourself! Your boss will notice the difference.

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  • Malik Jordan

    This article is very provocative because taming your ego is a balancing act and I can argue for or against having an ego.

    As a sports fan, I believe the truly great players like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, and Bill Russell had huge egos. It is what made them believe they should take the last shot, defy racism, or believe it was their time to win the championship. While I believe these men all had egos, I also believe they were able to tame them so it came across as being self-confident rather than egotistical.

    The difference between having an ego and being self-confident is approach. People that are egotistical approach situations to the detriment of others opinions and experience while self-confident people approach situations in ways that encourage and support.

  • Rezwana Chisti

    It took me a very long time to realize that the only thing that was holding me back in life was indeed my ego. For a long time, I had no clue that I even had a major ego problem. I grew up in urban San Francisco in a low-income community and was thus always use to working hard for everything especially when it came to academics. When I was accepted to a UC for college, I thought my battle in life to succeed had finally come to an end and I would finally have a chance to be successful. But after graduating college, my bubble in life popped. I was unable to find a job. Rejection after rejection, I realized that where I went to school had nothing to do with the skills I had to offer to a company. For a very long time I struggled and could not get myself to apply to any jobs. However, I soon began to question why I was not putting myself out there anymore and quickly realized that my ego was indeed a clear indicator of my fear to put myself in uncomfortable situations. I would tell myself that I am too overqualified for certain positions and thus did not see a point in even applying. However in reality, I was so afraid of the interview process or of seeming incompetent that I just avoided the whole process all together. I was always doubting my abilities and skills, whether it came to conversation with friends or a potential employer. I was always afraid of making a mistake or saying something stupid. One day, after years of being upset with myself I realized that I feel the way I feel because of how negative I am. So what if I’m not the CEO of some company and all of my friends are succeeding quickly up the ladder. I need to start somewhere and go from there. This realization led me to all types of jobs and learned that each job taught me something valuable. Whether it was being a college graduate working at a retail store or a lead teacher for a summer school program, every interaction and experience has shaped who I am and how the only way to move forward is to look past your ego and to believe in yourself and your abilities. Although it is much easier said then done, it is possible.

  • swildeboer42

    I work in a restaurant that has several internal problems. From the outside, people think that it is run smoothly and without any problems. But, from the inside, it is full of people with big egos, short tempers, and bad attitudes. I walked in with my “teamwork attitude” and was thrown in to a world that I had never experienced before. How could the kitchen staff be so willing to stab each other in the back? Why would the servers be so “high and mighty” that they can’t just do things the right way instead of their way? I just didn’t understand. But, I just kept up my good attitude and went around encouraging everyone. The more I encouraged others, the more their ego deflated. We still have problems, but they are a whole lot less noticeable now that everyone is learning to hear the truth, learn from it, and work as a team.

  • Katryna Williams

    Ever since I was little I
    always knew I wanted to be an actress. So from a young age I started taking
    acting classes on things like: “How to nail an audition!” One of the
    very first lessons I remember being taught is to “walk into the room like
    you are better than everyone else.” This proved to be a very damning
    lesson.

    I remember going into an
    audition where I knew no one. I was nervous. My palms were sweating and I
    couldn’t remember the words to my monologue. But then I began reassuring
    myself-as I was taught in preteen acting classes-that I was the best, most
    talented, most beautiful girl in the room, and that I would, of course, get the
    part. Not only did this behavior make me cold and unapproachable, it also
    inspired a lot of rejection.

    I was never getting parts because I was constantly pretending to be a overconfident version of myself, in
    order to make up for my lack of confidence. It wasn’t really until my freshman
    year of college that I realized that theatre (and any social situation really)
    didn’t have to operate that way. The actor-training program that I am in
    fosters a sense of community that requires a supportive atmosphere. There is no
    room or desire to think that anyone is better than anyone else as every member
    of our team serves a unique strength and purpose.

    This directly relates to
    the workplace. In the business world where it is so important to work as a
    group and get along in the work place, if everyone had a “I’m better than
    you mentality” then nothing would ever be accomplished or created.

    There is a fine line
    between uplifting yourself to make sure you’re not being a Debby Downer, and
    placing yourself on a pedestal to prove to yourself that you are worthy. And
    this is a balance that needs to be found in order to properly interact with
    others in a healthy and productive way.

    So now, whenever I walk
    into an audition I repeat cheesy mantras like “You’ve got this!” or “Just be
    you.” And allow myself to have good thoughts about the “competition.”

  • gabriellabemis

    Amazing how relatable this article is. This article has shown me that having self esteem can make your whole life change. It doesn’t matter where you came from or where you’re going, as long as you have confidence in yourself and you believe that you can do anything, it is possible. Never let anyone tear you down. You know that you can do whatever you want and you shouldn’t let self esteem or other people influence your happiness. Having a big ego is the same thing as having none. You shouldn’t let it affect your life or your choices. Only in positive ways.

  • Kevin Kassel

    I have found it is depressing when I receive not even a phone interview after trying so hard to get a company to like me. I am puzzled what others must say to these recruiters that get them the interview over me.

    I never thought about whether my ego had an effect on getting an interview. Now that I think about it maybe I have come across a little to confident or something of that sort. After reading this article I feel much more prepared for my next conversation with a company recruiter.

  • Victoria Stonehocker

    I have never been one with a big ego. I have learned to be humble before obtaining a degree. However, confidence can be mistaken for big ego. So it is important to not have that body language present a big ego when you actually are confident in your position.

    Good communication is important. Through the education gained from college and just life’s opportunities, there are many examples of a person learning how to use their strengths without appearing to have a big ego.

    I believe in being a team. Everyone has their duties to complete. People need to have the nice comments of how well they are completing their tasks. If there is a problem, an education moment has to be provided. Assuming what another knows or wants to hear can give neglect a need. This would not be good.

    I believe everyone has something to give. Understanding how to work as a team so people will not comment or make comments about who another is can happen. Communication is key. Good communication without offending another is the trying part of it.

  • BRUNO

    This really hit home the hardest compared to the rest of the
    links. I have learned from past experiences that I can be quite stubborn and
    over confident. Never before did I think that these qualities were bad because
    I thought I was just trying to be original. However, this page has made me
    realize that sometimes it is best to learn when the right time to express
    myself is. Like everything else in life, people have to be careful with their
    decisions because they always come with consequences. Now I know that bosses
    are not looking for this type of attitude and I will apply what I have learned
    in this page to real life situations. The website has been very helpful to me
    in a sense that it even provides tips and specific examples of how you can fix
    this problem if it pertains to you.

  • Pingback: Raising Your Emotional Intelligence. «

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In 1997, Eric Shannon launched the first job board for bilinguals who speak English/Spanish at LatPro.com. Eric still serves as CEO of LatPro Inc., developer of JustJobs.com. He lives in Boulder, CO with his wife and two girls.

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